Some explanation of who I am is necessary here I think. I am a 53 yr old transgendered male. This means that I am a biological female with a male brain. I have lived my life as a female, mostly for my family. So they could be comfortable. I have three children, two of which do not speak to me now. Now that I have found my own way. My own identity. My true self. I came out as a lesbian when I was 16 but that didn't go over real well, so I crawled back inside myself and married a man when I was 18. Oh joy and rapture from my family!
Anyway, the whole marriage thing didn't work out. Surprised?
These days I live 600 miles away and so it's much easier to ignore me now. The embarrassment has left the room.
About 3 weeks ago my son called me to talk about something and then proceeded to inform me that my brother had invited he and his family to my Mother's home with the rest of the Allen clan. All of them. Except me. I wasn't even invited. I got really mad. Hurt. I wrote my brother a "Fuck Off message on Facebook, to which I was immediately blocked. Surprised? I then proceeded to call my mother and carefully but truthfully explain to her how much this hurt me. To be excluded and rejected from the family Thanksgiving plans. Of course, her response was that she couldn't do anything about it. I told her that, in fact, she could do something about it. The least she could do was defend me. SAY SOMETHING!!! Of course I didn't say this to her because she's 88 freakin years old. And she will never change. And it's like talking to a brick wall. And my head is tired of thinking about this with them. And I am tired of wasting my breath. But I can't get rid of this little voice in the back of my head that says, "Maybe, one day, a little light will come on. Maybe just a nightlight. But a dim, glimmer of light, that opens their minds just a little bit and they can see for just a moment that I am a person. I have a heart. I have feelings. And they are injuring me like with a sharp knife right in my heart. But it doesn't matter to any of them and I just don't understand that. Are you human? Do you have a conscience? Are you so self centered and self righteous that you think it is ok to treat another human being like this? But you wrap yourselves around your religion and claim to be a christian.
Ok, I think that will do it for today. I hope you got something out of this. I hope I did too.
Peace, Dane
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ReplyDeleteOh, Dane.
ReplyDeleteWhat to say?
These people are enslaved to Fear. They think it impossible to be present with the power of your true Self. Do not take it as though you are the problem--because you are not. They are quite simply, unreasonably afraid.
I am glad you spoke with your mother, though she does not feel able to intervene. Though your family will not share it with you, I know they suffer, feel that same knife's edge of estrangement, know that denying you is wrong. They do.
If that little light ever comes on, it will help the ones with open eyes to see what they've been missing.
You, my Dear, are already in the light, must stay in the light, and carry that light forward, side-by-side with brave hearts.
Hold on to your courage. It will lead you to joy.
XO
~Rae