The obvious is not always obvious......

I have been discussing this problem that I have for a while now with family and close friends. Apparently I lack the ability to see the obvious. Whether it be my glasses or a concept. Now, I consider myself a fairly intelligent person in some ways. However this particular problem that I have, often times, makes me look like an idiot. 

Last Thursday I misplaced my glasses. I thought I might have left them at our friend's house where we had Thanksgiving dinner but I didn't want to bother calling so I continued my search. I even asked my housemates to be on the lookout for them. Three days later, on Sunday, I found my glasses. Right on my desk, right in front of me. Duh! This happens to me on a regular basis. If I have some preconceived notion about what something looks like, maybe my brain thinks it's in a yellow container for instance. It can be right there in front of my face but if it's in a green container, I'll never see it. I'm not sure what this problem is called or if anyone else has it but I wish it would go away. 

Likewise, other things that are obvious to others, are a long and difficult struggle for me. Figuring stuff out about myself is top on the list. I knew as early as I can remember that I should have been a boy. I wanted to be a boy and I was embarrassed about being a girl. I hated dresses, barbie dolls, bows, frills, anything that reflected femininity. I rejected all of it. Then later on when I felt the attraction for females, I could only assume that I was a lesbian. I hated that word too. It wasn't right but it was all I had to work with at the time. So I lived my life as a lesbian for many years.  All the while, knowing that there was something else going on. I'm not sure if part of the problem was accepting myself or whether it just didn't occur to me. With my track record, I have to assume the latter. So it took me almost 50 years to put my finger on it. 

It hasn't been easy. I sometimes think to myself, "How could I be so stupid?" In retrospect it is crystal clear.  Other people have probably questioned my late in life self discovery as well. I can hear my mother's voice saying "It's always something. Can't you just be satisfied with who you are?" Well, no I couldn't. Not until I knew who that was. Now I do. It explains alot. Alot of the mistakes I've made. It's hard to know what direction to go in when you don't know who you are. Wrong body or wrong brain? Trick is to get them both to go in the same direction at the same time. 

I hope as we travel through this journey that I can shed some light into the world of being transgendered. It is no wonder that it is misunderstood since oftentimes it is a lifetime journey for even the transgendered ones themselves. For me, a door has been opened and I have stepped into the light. I had no choice. It is who I am. It is who I have always been. I just couldn't see the obvious.

Peace, Dane