I have been discussing this problem that I have for a while now with family and close friends. Apparently I lack the ability to see the obvious. Whether it be my glasses or a concept. Now, I consider myself a fairly intelligent person in some ways. However this particular problem that I have, often times, makes me look like an idiot.
Last Thursday I misplaced my glasses. I thought I might have left them at our friend's house where we had Thanksgiving dinner but I didn't want to bother calling so I continued my search. I even asked my housemates to be on the lookout for them. Three days later, on Sunday, I found my glasses. Right on my desk, right in front of me. Duh! This happens to me on a regular basis. If I have some preconceived notion about what something looks like, maybe my brain thinks it's in a yellow container for instance. It can be right there in front of my face but if it's in a green container, I'll never see it. I'm not sure what this problem is called or if anyone else has it but I wish it would go away.
Likewise, other things that are obvious to others, are a long and difficult struggle for me. Figuring stuff out about myself is top on the list. I knew as early as I can remember that I should have been a boy. I wanted to be a boy and I was embarrassed about being a girl. I hated dresses, barbie dolls, bows, frills, anything that reflected femininity. I rejected all of it. Then later on when I felt the attraction for females, I could only assume that I was a lesbian. I hated that word too. It wasn't right but it was all I had to work with at the time. So I lived my life as a lesbian for many years. All the while, knowing that there was something else going on. I'm not sure if part of the problem was accepting myself or whether it just didn't occur to me. With my track record, I have to assume the latter. So it took me almost 50 years to put my finger on it.
It hasn't been easy. I sometimes think to myself, "How could I be so stupid?" In retrospect it is crystal clear. Other people have probably questioned my late in life self discovery as well. I can hear my mother's voice saying "It's always something. Can't you just be satisfied with who you are?" Well, no I couldn't. Not until I knew who that was. Now I do. It explains alot. Alot of the mistakes I've made. It's hard to know what direction to go in when you don't know who you are. Wrong body or wrong brain? Trick is to get them both to go in the same direction at the same time.
I hope as we travel through this journey that I can shed some light into the world of being transgendered. It is no wonder that it is misunderstood since oftentimes it is a lifetime journey for even the transgendered ones themselves. For me, a door has been opened and I have stepped into the light. I had no choice. It is who I am. It is who I have always been. I just couldn't see the obvious.
Peace, Dane
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thanksgiving 2011 SUCKED!
Some explanation of who I am is necessary here I think. I am a 53 yr old transgendered male. This means that I am a biological female with a male brain. I have lived my life as a female, mostly for my family. So they could be comfortable. I have three children, two of which do not speak to me now. Now that I have found my own way. My own identity. My true self. I came out as a lesbian when I was 16 but that didn't go over real well, so I crawled back inside myself and married a man when I was 18. Oh joy and rapture from my family!
Anyway, the whole marriage thing didn't work out. Surprised?
These days I live 600 miles away and so it's much easier to ignore me now. The embarrassment has left the room.
About 3 weeks ago my son called me to talk about something and then proceeded to inform me that my brother had invited he and his family to my Mother's home with the rest of the Allen clan. All of them. Except me. I wasn't even invited. I got really mad. Hurt. I wrote my brother a "Fuck Off message on Facebook, to which I was immediately blocked. Surprised? I then proceeded to call my mother and carefully but truthfully explain to her how much this hurt me. To be excluded and rejected from the family Thanksgiving plans. Of course, her response was that she couldn't do anything about it. I told her that, in fact, she could do something about it. The least she could do was defend me. SAY SOMETHING!!! Of course I didn't say this to her because she's 88 freakin years old. And she will never change. And it's like talking to a brick wall. And my head is tired of thinking about this with them. And I am tired of wasting my breath. But I can't get rid of this little voice in the back of my head that says, "Maybe, one day, a little light will come on. Maybe just a nightlight. But a dim, glimmer of light, that opens their minds just a little bit and they can see for just a moment that I am a person. I have a heart. I have feelings. And they are injuring me like with a sharp knife right in my heart. But it doesn't matter to any of them and I just don't understand that. Are you human? Do you have a conscience? Are you so self centered and self righteous that you think it is ok to treat another human being like this? But you wrap yourselves around your religion and claim to be a christian.
Ok, I think that will do it for today. I hope you got something out of this. I hope I did too.
Peace, Dane
Anyway, the whole marriage thing didn't work out. Surprised?
These days I live 600 miles away and so it's much easier to ignore me now. The embarrassment has left the room.
About 3 weeks ago my son called me to talk about something and then proceeded to inform me that my brother had invited he and his family to my Mother's home with the rest of the Allen clan. All of them. Except me. I wasn't even invited. I got really mad. Hurt. I wrote my brother a "Fuck Off message on Facebook, to which I was immediately blocked. Surprised? I then proceeded to call my mother and carefully but truthfully explain to her how much this hurt me. To be excluded and rejected from the family Thanksgiving plans. Of course, her response was that she couldn't do anything about it. I told her that, in fact, she could do something about it. The least she could do was defend me. SAY SOMETHING!!! Of course I didn't say this to her because she's 88 freakin years old. And she will never change. And it's like talking to a brick wall. And my head is tired of thinking about this with them. And I am tired of wasting my breath. But I can't get rid of this little voice in the back of my head that says, "Maybe, one day, a little light will come on. Maybe just a nightlight. But a dim, glimmer of light, that opens their minds just a little bit and they can see for just a moment that I am a person. I have a heart. I have feelings. And they are injuring me like with a sharp knife right in my heart. But it doesn't matter to any of them and I just don't understand that. Are you human? Do you have a conscience? Are you so self centered and self righteous that you think it is ok to treat another human being like this? But you wrap yourselves around your religion and claim to be a christian.
Ok, I think that will do it for today. I hope you got something out of this. I hope I did too.
Peace, Dane
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